Nice: Lesley Arfin talks High School, dictionaries and a promiscuous dog

Part 1: Nice.

I hated it in high school. Nice meant boring, and being boring was for stiffs. I would say, “Nice is a slice of cake!” or something like that. I didn’t know what the fuck I was talking about – no one did. In high school, “nice” was how you described a mediocre person when you couldn’t think of a better word. Nice was popular for no reason. Nice had no dazzle, no jazz, no kink or curl. Nice had no opinion and got along with everyone. Nice never came in first or last. It always sang in the background. Nice never blew it. Nice never tried it. Nice had no trouble falling asleep, never heard of Twin Peaks, never heard of The Jam, thought up palindromes for fun. Nice accepted apologies. Nice was a soccer star. For crying out loud, Nice took vitamins before school! Vitamins! Nice also said things like, “For crying out loud!” Nice said, “When I grow up I want to be a lawyer or a doctor,” but instead Nice ended up in a cubicle drinking out of an I Hate Mondays coffee mug.

Part 2: Nice!

Synonym, also known as NYCE; slang word for sick, sweet, mint, dope, fresh, awesome, tops, boss, killer, aces, cool, rad, choice, beast, bad-ass, bomb, fly, wicked, bangin’, bad (80s), kick-ass, fierce, etc.

Part 3: Nice?

Sarcasm. Passive aggressive. Example: “Nice one, Arfin. Thanks for nuthin’ chump.”

Part 4: Nice…

…is a sunny day with blue skies, or your boyfriend’s parents. Nice is your birthday as an adult. Nice is an introduction to judgment: “He’s nice but…” Nice is when my dog licks another dog. Nice is the word you wish you could use to describe your boss. Nice is a good time at a wedding where you look good and your feet don’t hurt. Nice is a dinner party that “wasn’t bad.” Nice is a “very interesting” exchange with your neighbour. Nice is the sound of rain and the smell of negative ions in the air. Nice is the sound of the train in the distance that you once hated and now miss. Nice is a beautiful pair of shoes, a fancy dress, a brand new pen and a good way to play. Nice is a long nap in the middle of the afternoon. Nice is sometimes a new place you’re visiting; it’s a great pair of tits or when the Knicks win. Nice is the kind of day we all want to have when we wake up. It’s a wish, a prayer, a hope, a gravitational pull that gets our feet on the floor because even if we hate the world, somehow we can still all manage to believe in Nice. Nice is also the way this magazine begins…