Nice: Director and photographer Graydon Shephard makes a public apology

The first time I wasn’t nice was when I made a joke about Carol McCormack’s wardrobe. You probably don’t know who Carol is, but one day she wore a white button-up shirt and a plaid skirt to school in Grade 11. I told her that I liked her outfit because she looked like a Catholic schoolgirl. “Thank you,” she said.

“A slutty Catholic schoolgirl,” I added. It got a laugh. It wasn’t funny in hindsight, but it got a laugh. I got attention at her expense.

Twelve years later, I got a whole hell-of-a-lot of attention when I dressed up as a girl and made fun of half of the population in a series that my boyfriend and I created called Shit Girls Say. It wasn’t nice what we did, generalising about a humongous part of the world. But we really weren’t being mean in the way that I was mean to Carol. In part we were parodying a vernacular that came about because of a pressure on women to be nice. There was a language borne out of the fear – and the sad reality – of being called a “bitch” for not voicing requests, demands, or even gratitude in an achingly nice tone. This pressure isn’t just mean; it’s insane.

As many have pointed out, Shit Girls Say is not just shit that girls say. I say it. You say it. I’ve very often squirted out an insincere and overly sweet “Thank you so much!” when a simple “Thank you” would have been fine. I’ve said things I don’t mean because I’m afraid people won’t think I’m genuine, and it paradoxically comes across as fake.

But this is real. Though it’s been many years since that day, and she never held it against me, I want to apologise to Carol for telling her she looked like a slut. It made her feel bad and I’ve never said “I’m sorry.” So here, in front of everyone, I apologise to you Carol. You looked great, and what I said was not nice.

Big hugs, Graydon