Channel 4 rings in the mating season with Arthur, the online-dating tortoise

It’s certainly not often that online dating references make us do anything other than cringe on our morning commute (I’m looking at you hand-drawn type and soft-focus record player) but please welcome an absolute game-changer from Channel 4! Meet Arthur, the grieving tortoise who, after losing his wife in the zoo in which they’ve shared a life together, goes on the hunt for a new companion.

After some boozy meals with a few 20-something women spouting classic, depraved single speak such as “I usually go home and have a glass of wine, or a bottle…”, Arthur finds himself in a strip club where he puts his head into a glory hole and, later, head butts a dildo. I won’t ruin the end, but make sure you stick around for it, and keep some tissues nearby (for crying into, obviously.)